Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be overwhelming. If when you are with them, you feel controlled, manipulated, belittled, talked down to, made fun of, told you are the problem, that you are crazy (gaslighting), or you may feel like you are losing your sense of self, you are in a relationship with a narcissist.

Does your partner use one set of rules and expectations for him or herself and another set for you? Then you may be married to a narcissist. Does your partner dismiss your feelings as “crazy” or “needy,” but no one else in your life sees you that way? Then you might be married to a narcissist. Does your partner act out sexually, act recklessly, manipulate you, or blame you for her or his feelings? Then you are probably married to a narcissist.

It can be quite confusing when the person you love consistently ignores, dismisses, and explains away your feelings, wants and needs, while complaining that you never do what he or she wants. It can also be very hard to feel safe, cared for, or even considered in such a relationship. You may feel under constant pressure to say and do just the right thing in just the right way to please her or him or to keep the peace.

This pressure can lead to depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, fear of making a mistake, and a lack of energy and enthusiasm. Basing your self-esteem on the opinions of someone else is always a vulnerable proposition, but when you are married to a narcissist, it is devastating. A narcissist feels most secure when his or her partner looks good and feels needy. He or she keeps you off balance with criticism, withdrawal of love, impossible demands, and lectures about how he or she knows better than you do, what you feel and need. Ultimately, all your attention goes to the narcissist, trying to get and keep his or her attention and love, and your needs get stuffed and ignored even by you.

The only way to break out of this scenario is to start paying attention to your own needs and wants and doing something to fulfill them yourself. Stop waiting for the Narcissist to notice and spontaneously start responding to your feelings. Start paying attention to your own wants and needs and create a plan to fulfilled them yourself.

1. Start with boundaries! Narcissists are famous for continually violating boundaries (if you even have any, at some point in the relationship!). Several important things to remember when implementing boundaries with a Narcissist: 1. Guess what? They don’t have any, so why should you? 2. They seem to relish the challenge of violating boundaries – they are a way of proving to themselves, that once again, you won’t leave them. 3. Boundaries can be used against you. 4. Narcissists are 90% in their “Child Brain” (see the Brain Attachment). As a result, like a Child, they want boundaries, but again like a Child, do not expect them to accept them without a certain number of tantrums.

When implementing boundaries, forget about trying to anticipate the Narcissist’s next trigger. That is a total waste of time! When you look to implement a boundary, look for what triggers You.

Begin by stating clearly, the boundary, and when it will be implemented. DO NOT MAKE THE BOUNDRAY ABOUT THEM. Tell them the boundary is necessary for your health, your stress, etc. It is OK to give them a chance, but if they do not stop, you will have to physically remove yourself. Tell them, if they have further things to tell you, write them down, and you will read them later. If what they write, is more typical Narcissistic strategies, feel free to throw it away after reading the first line. Remember, it is about you, not them.

Do not implement more than one boundary at a time. Do not start on the next one, until the first one is firmly established. Too many boundaries at once, will only confuse the Narcissist. Even when a boundary is established, expect to have to return to it again. Keep a list, and keep track of your “Boundaries Success List, including future boundaries. Celebrate any success you have!

2. Be present in your own life. Start noticing what you feel and when you feel it. Write your feelings down so you won’t later try to discount or diminish them. Paying attention to yourself puts you more in touch with your own experiences.

3. Respect yourself. What you feel, want, and need are all very important. These things are a part of you. Choosing for yourself your preferences, your friends, your activities, your thoughts, and your feelings are all ways of validating who you are and respecting your own uniqueness. Increase your self-respect, and you will decrease your reliance on the narcissist.

4. Quit making impossible demands of yourself. You cannot change another person, so stop trying to make the narcissist pay attention to you, hear you, respond to your feelings, understand your point of view, or be more thoughtful. This is an impossible task, so it is time to give it up and concentrate on something that can be successful, that is, doing these things for yourself.

5. Stop taking things personally. Don’t take anything the narcissist (or anyone else) says or does as meaning anything about you. You are not the cause of what other people do. You can’t make another adult think, feel, or act a certain way. That’s under the other person’s control, not yours. In fact, narcissists are so focused on themselves that whatever they say is a statement about themselves, not you.

6. Encourage yourself. Start saying, thinking, and believing good things about yourself. Self-criticism does nothing to make you feel better nor does it help you to be a better person or take better actions. Being kind, gentle, and forgiving of yourself are the best ways to become immune to the harsh criticisms and invalidations of the narcissist.

7. Remember that the Narcissist, spends most of their time with you (not always with others), in their Child brain! When you become frustrated, it is because of missed expectations. You are expecting an Adult to show up at some point, but instead it is a Child. Start by assuming you are dealing with a Child, when dealing with a Narcissist. Prepare for it beforehand. Practice Role-playing for the situation beforehand, if possible. Remember that their emotional age, will match their level of Narcissism in inverse proportions – the greater the Narcissism, the lower the Emotional age.

8. Always be prepared to take a time out. If what you are talking about begins to hopelessly devolve. When you sense that is beginning to happen, call, or signal a timeout, then remove yourself for a period. Tell the Narcissist where you are going, and how long the timeout will last. Never negotiate a time out.

9. Use grammar. No run-on sentences. Place a period after each statement, then stop talking. Too much conversation, and the Narcissist will have you talking in circles.

10. Use the Yale model to express yourself. It is:

1. When ____________________.

2. I fell ______________________.

3. I would like _________________.

4. Or I will need to _____________.

The model begins with a statement of fact. When I hear a loud voice, and critical words…Notice, you are using “I” words, and no one is getting blamed. The next step is to clearly state your feelings about the event. “I feel angry, hurt, and humiliated.”

With most people, this can be enough. With people that can mentalize how other people feel, and care about those feelings, will change their actions. The Narcissist however, either doesn’t understand how you feel, or they don’t particularly care. They did not experience secure attachment as a child, and as a result, do not understand their own feelings, and consequently, do not understand the feelings of others.

The third step is letting the other person know what you want. “I would like to be talked to in a kind, gentle way.” Be specific. “I would like to have happiness and light”, won’t get the desired results.

Before you move to the last step in the model, stop to see what the person chooses to do. If they are willing to cooperate, then you have successfully made your point. Or they may want to negotiate, which is acceptable too, if you can accept the negotiated result.

If the other person refuses, or is passive aggressive, you will need go to the last step. The statement “Or I will need to…” is not meant to be a threat. It is a statement of what you will do to take care of yourself if the other person does not cooperate. The most powerful tool is your ability to stop the interaction. A good example of a good “Or I will be…”, statement might be something like, “Or I will have to continue this discussion at another time”, or I will have to take a drive to calm down. If the Narcissist feels that they will be abandoned is some way by your “Or I will need to…” statement, it is a powerful deterrent, for them to stop.

11. Develop and implement a Self-Compassion Value (see me for more information). Make sure the Narcissist understands that the things contained in the Self-Compassion Value Statement, are NON-NEGOTIABLE!

12. Find a therapist skilled, and experienced, in dealing with Narcissists, and Narcissistic relationships.

If you are married to a Narcissist, what are you doing to take care of yourself? What are you doing to identify and meet your own needs? What do you need to start doing to make your life better? Narcissists, by definition, think only and entirely about themselves. It is up to you to figure out how to take care of you.