I sometime see things simply (maybe too simply). I imagine my mind is like an attic. Over time it becomes more and more filled with boxes. Those boxes are filled with memories, events, things people say to me, do to me, things that happen in the world around me, etc. As life goes on, new boxes arrive, and the old boxes become pushed to the back to make room. Those boxes do not disappear, they just become a little harder to access. The boxes come in three kinds – boxes that we want to open as they contain joy and happy times, boxes that we would rather not open, and boxes that are so painful we stand on them to make sure they are never opened (or if we do open these boxes, we never take the total contents out). The problem with the boxes that we stand on, is that eventually they leak from the bottom and ooze into our lives.
At some point, the ooze cannot be ignored, but we are usually not experts at cleaning out attics. We try, but the bottom falls out of the oozing boxes, making a bigger mess. If we are lucky and self-aware, our inner-counselor realizes that we need someone else to help at cleaning out attic, to work alongside us – someone we can work with shoulder-to-shoulder in the cleaning effort.
A clean attic does not necessarily mean a better attic. What happens if we fill it up again, with new boxes. The important question however, is what was that pain we experienced in the leaking boxes, in service of? How did it come about? Was the only purpose of the event to make our lives miserable, or was there a lesson in the Pain? There will be Pain in looking into the boxes and clearing them out, but was it just in service of making room for more boxes filled with more meaningless Pain? Or does the therapy, unlike the traumatic Pain you are experiencing, have a beginning and end, and a Goal? We know that the Pain from trauma goes on and on and has no purpose – therapists call it “dirty Pain”. But the trauma therapy is referred to as “clean Pain” That is because unlike the Pain of unresolved trauma, it does have a beginning and end. And it has a purpose.
Living a values-driven life is a choice of what boxes you will begin to load back into your attic. A value is something you wanted at 5 years old, 10 years old, fifteen years old… For example, you may find that you always wanted to have warm, loving, trusting relationships in life. That was true early in life, and still is true. Is moving toward that value going to be Pain free? Will all of your relationships be warm, loving, and trusting? If they aren’t, is that a good reason to stop moving toward that Value? You see, when you choose a Values-driven life, your boxes will still contain Pain. But you will be able to open these boxes and not shove them to the back or stand on them.
There will be Pain that is associate with showing up as You and continuing to move toward Your values, especially when the results are not good. But You are not doing Your Values because of an outcome. If I do X so I can get Y, that is called manipulation. You are doing Values because You want to have a meaningful life, You want to show up as the real You. Not the You that your brain often tells You that you are. The Pain in service of your Values, is different than the Pain associated with a meaningless life. Values are a two-sided coin with great joy on one side and great Pain on the other. You cannot throw away the Pain, without throwing away the joy too.
Why do the trauma therapy? On the surface, it makes no sense. You have enough Pain in life, why add more? Because the path to Peace, is often through the door of Pain. ACT calls that movement away from Pain Experiential Avoidance (EA). Research by ACT therapists, show conclusively that most mental health issues, are the result of EA. Ask yourself, did you learn more in life through pleasurable events, or painful ones? If pleasure whispers, Pain shouts!
If you want a different life, not filled with leaking boxes, consider trauma therapy. The idea is to empty the attic and replace it with boxes of memories of a Values-driven life. If an important thing for You, is to have a Peaceful death, you will have to have a Peaceful life to look back across. And a Peaceful death is something of incalculable value not only for you, but everyone you love.
What is the best time to empty your attic? To start a life of Values? If you said “now”, are You willing to walk through the door of Pain?
